False Promises and False Hopes

I would be full term on Christmas Day, but we experienced our 3rd miscarriage in June...I prayed that we would be able to make a Christmas announcement this year and surprise everyone, but that isn't going to happen because I am not pregnant.  

Instead this week we are welcoming the start of a new cycle, rather than preparing to welcome a new baby.

There is a saying that gets shared a lot in the world of infertility..."All in God's perfect timing".  After 5 years battling infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, this saying stabs at my heart...

I'm calling BULLSHIT

Choosing to trust Him through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss means accepting that children may not be a part of His plan for us...sometimes He says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."(1) 

Sometimes God's delay is His denial. Sometimes God says NO. Sometimes God's perfect timing is not in your lifetime.

One of the most commonly shared verses both in the world of fertile myrtles and those struggling with infertility is Jeremiah 29:11; "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope".  Too often we take this verse out of context, we take God's name in vain and twist it hearing in it the promises we want to receive." (2)  

Nowhere in the Bible does God promise we'll all have children. "Just as we shouldn't conclude infertility is a particular punishment from God, nor should we conclude God is bound to bless us with fertility if we are obedient, godly Christians. Yes, the wombs of Sarah, Rebekah, Leah, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth were opened, but God was accomplishing special purposes that apply to them alone. We can't claim promises made to others in specific contexts we don't share. " (3)

Obviously I don't know what is in store for our future.  While God did not make any such covenant with me as he did with Sarah and Abraham regarding a baby, I can still "draw hope from the stories of the barren women in scripture—not because I expect a physical child nor believe one was promised to me—but because they show that God is always on the move with something bigger than we in our pain can see." (4)

In this season there is a birth I can celebrate; there is a promise I can cling to;  "For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life".

Merry Christmas, 

What's in a Name

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Today I should be 27 weeks pregnant.

Last year, on this same date, I should have been 37 weeks pregnant.

Somewhere in between those two "should have beens", I lost a third pregnancy.

Three pregnancies lost, three nameless babies longed for, loved, and mourned.

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 

Spontaneous pregnancy loss is a surprisingly common. Around 15-20% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, yet there are more pregnancies that fail prior to being clinically recognized. 1 in 5 women will experience miscarriage. 

I am in medical school, I had learned that miscarriages in early pregnancy are common.  I tried to be rational, to find comfort in the commonality of miscarriage, but there is a fine line between normalizing an experience and minimizing it. Even though I understood the scientific side of miscarriage, I wasn't prepared for the mental, spiritual, and emotional toll of miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss.  

On this blog you will hear me talk more about my experience with infertility, miscarriage, and recurrent pregnancy loss.  When I speak about my losses it isn't because I want attention or pity.  

I talk about my miscarriages because, when 1 in 5 women experience miscarriage, we should talk about it.
I talk about my miscarriages because we shouldn't live so afraid and ashamed that we avoid the subject altogether.  
I talk about my miscarriages because I want to create a network of support and understanding, where a woman can grieve for her lost child instead of hiding in embarrassment. 

Today, I talk about my miscarriages because they mattered, those three nameless babies that budded but never blossomed. 

Spoonie Sunday Series: A Failed Introduction

It is only fitting that this post is seriously impacted by a severe lack of spoons.  Last night, I was feeling adventurous, and allowed myself a bowl of popcorn (high fiber) and some tasty korean pork dumplings (high fat), only to wake up in the middle of the night ill => translates into uncontrollable vomiting until several different forms of anti-emetics were combined.

Today that means I am drinking gatorade and ensure, and giving my stomach a rest.

Today that means I had to cancel my fun labor day weekend plans, so that I can lay on the couch.

Today that  means I won't be able to piece together the post I have been outlining about spoon theory.

I just don't have enough spoons for this post.

Until then you can read about the "Spoon Theory" here:  But You Don't Look Sick

See you next week for another Spoonie Sunday, where I will address Spoon Theory and some of the responses I have faced living with a chronic illness.

Crockpot Cooking: Tom Kha Yum or Tom Kha Gai

Our apartment building does not have A/C. While LA summers are pretty mild, sometimes the temperatures can hit the 90's. Cooking during the summer without A/C is a challenge. Nobody likes sweating over a hot stove!

 One of the best tools for summer cooking is a crockpot. I have struggled for 5 years to find good crockpot recipes. Most of the recipes I try don't make it into our regular rotation, but every once in a while we find a recipe we love. The recipe I am sharing today is a soup so good, that we have even used it for dinner parties.

The crockpot I use is the Crockpot Programmable Cook and Carry 6 Quart Crockpot:

  

I love the programmable feature of this crockpot. I actually have the same crockpot in the 4 quart version because it is that useful! I highly recommend it!Of course I ALWAYS use crockpot liners, for easy cleanup. We don't have a dishwasher, so crockpot liners really save us time!

  

Cooking in the crockpot is also a great way to prepare meals when I am not feeling well enough to cook.  With just a little bit of prep, I can let the crockpot do the rest.

The recipe I am sharing is our crockpot version of my favorite Thai soup. We love to order it in those fancy hotpots with the flames coming out at our favorite local Thai place. The soup is rich, a little sweet, and a little spicy. We serve ours with sliced red jalapeno to spice things up even more. We prefer the recipe with Tofu, but I also have tips for altering the recipe if you want to use chicken thighs.

Tom Kha Yum Ingredients (makes about 8 servings)
3 14-oz. cans coconut milk (1 regular, 2 lite)
4 cups vegetable broth or chicken broth
1 lb extra firm tofu, pressed, and cubed
1 large lemongrass stalk, chopped into 1-inch pieces or 1.25 oz lemongrass paste
2 Tbsp ginger, freshly grated
4 Tbsp fresh lime juice
4 tsp Thai red curry paste
3 Tbsp soy sauce
1 Tbsp brown sugar
8 oz fresh mushrooms, sliced
1 red bell pepper, sliced
4 oz Snap Peas
3-4 Tbsp fresh cilantro, chopped
sliced red jalapeno to taste
salt to taste  

Direction
1. Place the coconut milk, vegetable broth, lemon grass, ginger, curry paste, soy sauce, brown sugar, and lime juice in the crockpot. Cook on low for 6 to 8 hours, or high for 3 to 4 hours.
2. Add the mushrooms, red bell pepper, snap peas and tofu during the last 20-30 minutes of cooking, and top with cilantro when serving.
3. You can also pan fry your tofu and add it before serving.   We prefer our tofu pan-fried as it prevents the mushy texture many people complain of, but it is not necessary to do so.

Tip: If you have never pressed tofu before, or don't own a tofu press, you can use the following method:  Wrap the tofu in 3 to 4 layers of paper towels and place on a clean flat surface.  Place a clean dish towel on top of the tofu.  Place a book on top of the dish towel, and allow the tofu to press for about 30 minutes. 

Tom Kha Gai Alternative: Instead of Tofu, use 1lb of boneless skinless chicken thighs, cubed in 1" pieces. Add the chicken during Step 1 and allow to simmer in the broth. Follow Step 2 as above. Chicken thighs work best, as compared to chicken breast because they will not dry out due to the higher fat content.

I hope you enjoy this recipe! I look forward to sharing more of my favorite crockpot recipes on the blog!

Welcome To Chronically Organized

Welcome, 

If you have come across my blog you probably fall into one of the following 5 categories:

1. Supportive friends and family 

• I appreciate your support! THANK YOU!
• Mom - if you are reading this --> I have to thank you for all the lessons you taught me on keeping a clean and organized home -- Sorry I was such a messy bessy :-(
• Husband - if you are reading this --> Thanks for encouraging me to start writing again, and also correcting my grammar and font choices :-)
• MIL - if you are reading this --> proceed to number 3...just kidding...you inspired me to share my organization tips with the world!
• Now go share the heck out of this blog! Please :-)

2. Organization Freak

• Organization is a form of creative expression that doesn't create mess
• You spend hours creating pinterest boards about organization [organized of course] even though your home is already organized
• A fun weekend is re-organizing your kitchen cabinets
• Your junk drawer is organized
• The container store is basically the same thing as Disneyland

3. Organization Failure

• Every drawer is a junk drawer
• Closets are there to hide the mess
• You want to organize, but you need some direction 
• You want REAL solutions to your organization NEEDS, that don't require remodeling your entire HOME or moving

4. Fellow Spoonie & Chronic Illness Warrior 

• Here you will find an encouraging community
• Here you will find chronic illness approached with gratitude, grace, and understanding with a necessary side of humor
• Here you will find advice on how to respond to those nay-sayers
• Most importantly, here you can share your story too! Email me to set up a guest post.

5. Infertility and Miscarriage Survivor

• Here you will read about the raw, real, non-sugar coated emotions of struggling with infertility and miscarriage
• Here you will find the opportunity to rest in the bottomless grace of God
• Here you will find advice on how to respond to the well-intended yet often poor advice.
• Most importantly, here you can share your story too! Email me to set up a guest post.

If you don't fall into one of those categories, I welcome you too!  You can look forward to bi-weekly posts on the aforementioned categories!  You can also follow me on instagram, pinterest, and facebook, by clicking the social media icons on the right.